The Graduate Student

I am a college student. I wear athletic clothes to class. Sometimes I forget to wear makeup. I stay up late. I procrastinate. I make poor decisions. I wear a backpack that could get me through a trek in the Himalayas. I don't always read for class. But I go to class. I go to class and I face my arch nemesis; the Graduate Student.

The Graduate Student is always on time. They are always dressed well, usually in Toms or a cardigan they grew in their garden. Their hair is done, their makeup is touched up. They don't wear backpacks; they're too good for backpacks. They ALWAYS read for class, and they never miss a day to come to class and prove that they've read and that they are the intellectual superior of any undergrad around.

The Graduate Student does not aim to blend in. Whether it is through attire, long winded answers, or their location at the front of the classroom right under the Professor's nose, they seek always to stick out. If one was to wear a blindfold, one could still pick out the Graduate Student from the class by identifying the one who goes on for the longest about nothing. If they cite any book by a Russian author, they are a PH.D. Student.

The Graduate Student always has a paper and a pen, usually a fountain pen. They always bring their books to class and display them on their desk for everyone to see how prepared they are. Next to their book will be a cup of organic, fair trade coffee. The coffee is key- you cannot be a good graduate student without coffee.

The Graduate Student might even be your teacher, God help you. Since they have no other way of making money, they must sell their souls to the university and teacher the classes no self respecting professor will touch. Ironically, they relish this position of pseudo-authority. They teach using only abstract concepts and words they learned in their GRE prep course. They only call on you on Monday and Friday mornings. Their reading assignments are the longest and the most dense. They grade your papers harder than any professor at Yale ever will. They look forward to every day they can punish the undergrads.

The Undergrad must work hard to not be influenced by the Graduate Student. They must hold on to their carefree, youthful attitude that the Graduate Student envies. But most of all, we must always care less than they Graduate Student. Undergrads must not start wearing messenger book bags. Undergrads must never wear ties to class. Most importantly, Undergrads must never acknowledge any classroom contribution from the undergrad that does not pertain directly to the current discussion topic. We will not tolerate War and Peace references in an economics class. Apathy is the only peaceful way to fight them, because it is what the Graduate Student envies most. They try to outshine us because they desperately want to be us. They want to be back in college, making poor decisions and drinking soda for breakfast.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a paper due tomorrow that I can't finish until I've watched an entire season of Glee.